A Total Purge To Total Strangers

So I haven’t written in a while, I have kind of lost touch with a lot of things but recently I have been facing trust issues. I am a person who understands everyone has a story, everyone has been hurt and has wounds and they probably deal with things a lot better than me. But what better way to deal with something than to face it, to admit your wrongs and the wrongs of other people instead of hiding it all? I’m sure people agree it’s not right to air your dirty laundry but anyone who reads this probably doesn’t know so what the hell.

My first long term boyfriend used to control me, tell me what I could and couldn’t do. I was about 14 and let this go on for almost two years. He emotionally messed with me, made me feel like he was the best I could do. He would break up with me to hook up with other girls and then when I wouldn’t get back with him he would hurt himself to guilt me. The worst he did was break up with me and hook up with my two best friends at the same time in front of all our friends. So not only did he hurt me my friends did too, they broke my trust. But being the nice person I was I took them back as my friends and him back as my boyfriend. Not long after that he broke up with me and dated another friend of mine. Great choice in people I have.

Finally after too much of this crap I left him. I started seeing another boy who was so sweet and so kind but he had a “best friend” that he had slept with and just couldn’t leave him alone. I went to visit a friend in a different city to find out that while I was away they had slept in the same bed together. Not the worst thing in the world and I guess many people wouldn’t have a problem with it but I wasn’t too chuffed. Soon after that he broke up with me and not so long after that they slept together again and again after that. You have to wonder why I got upset. Some people just don’t bother or threaten me but the people that get under my skin are usually there for a reason.

Finally dated a boy who was actually nice, not a liar or a cheater and taught me a lot about myself and how life and people should be. A good relationship that ran its course and ended on kind of good terms.

So I meet this boy in high school and it was a long, windy road of on and off. He would break up with me constantly for stupid things and I would go running back but the would go to movies with other girls. He gave another girl a Valentines Day present and not is own girl friend, this same girl he would talk to when I wasn’t around and when I appeared they would quickly separate but I was the crazy one to think this was a problem. He broke up with me and hooked up with two of my friends and lied about it, told one of these girls when we got back together how beautiful and special she was, how much he had wanted her and all this lovely stuff but I was the loyal girl friend that didn’t hear those things. He would talk to girls constantly on social media while we were together on dates or just hanging out and in the times we broke up he would run to them for attention. He has turned out to be a nice guy, he just lost himself in our toxic relationship.

Not only have a made bad relationship choices but friends, those two skanky girls that hooked up with my boyfriend made this crazy book with all these satanic signs and what have you have that I didn’t even know about and blamed it on me, I wasn’t allowed into my one friends house for three years until finally his mom allowed me to tell my side and somehow believed me. At school I was the constant target for rumours, people’s scapegoat and I am proud to say I came out the end a better person. I stood my ground and proved every rumour wrong, every nasty word wrong but just lost my ability to trust people along the way.

Now I have a new relationship and it’s actually really good but there are too many people from his past in his life. If I were stronger or had a bit more of a normal past I probably would be able to look past it but I just can’t. It is a horrible feeling but I just see trouble when anything remotely like my past relationships happen. I finally made a change in my choice of people but my trust is just stuck in the past, stuck in a hostile, constantly on guard position.

Someone might read this and think well goodness it’s entirely my fault, I chose those people and I chose to stay and let them back in my life and they would be right. I basically trust no one and the people I should trust it’s like 95% trust. I wait for something to happen. I know all the advice one could give but trust is probably the single most difficult thing to mend. You are expected to just accept things to be okay, I try be chilled because I don’t want to be controlling and in turn I control everything in my own life, not people but everything else that I can because I am the only one I trust. You can’t let people walk over you but you can’t be controlling, There has to be a line and if you can’t meet there then those people are not worth any part of your trust.

In my mind if I can find someone who can make me 100% trust them they are a keeper, but until then I am stuck in this trustless state. The only positive thing I can say is that I am stronger, I am vigilant, I have learnt to trust myself, to make my decisions for me and I know that bad things that happen can have a good ending if you make that ending for yourself.


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