A story about a girl who kicks all her own demons in the ass

One day your heart will break, it might be multiple things or just one thing but what we can all agree on is it will suck!

I am unsure how people feel about a post that is personal but I guess maybe one day someone will read this and relate. It’s a story about a girl who will one day kick ass.

I found as I grew older that I learned how to behave better, to deal with things that hurt more discreetly, still not in the best way as I am very vocal and I like to scream sometimes and throw tantrums but who doesn’t enjoy the occasional rant?

THANK GOODNESS for music. Getting lost in a great song as if you are in a movie and this song is playing so that the audience can feel the true emotion of your character. Well my character at this very moment is the sad, broken hearted, little girl. Picture this scene (somethings added for effect) The boy who held her heart is his hands, who protected her from all the evils and scary monsters of the world and all the things that could hurt her is gone, the fighting else where never stops, the whispers behind her back grow into screams. All these things are racing through her head, it’s raining, she is crying and walking alone, all odds against her and BAM this incredible song comes on and you are sitting in the audience and the goose bumps are running down your arms because you feel all her emotions. Some people are sitting there thinking “what a sad person, breaking down over a guy“.

Others that have been watching a bit closer are thinking “she has been through hell and the love of her life has walked away, she’ll  be ok though, she has to be“.

But what is most important is what she is thinking. She is thinking “Remember all those people who thought you would fail? Remember all the bad things people have said about you? Remember the pain people have put you through? Well girl, you haven’t crumbled yet and now is the not the time“. And her tears eventually dry up, the sun rises the next day and the birds sing. That is how the heroin of this story kicks all her own demons in the ass.

Even though the world she loved
It won’t ever be the way it was
And his heart of stone left her’s breaking

– Mayday Parade “The Silence”

Some people are sitting there thinking she is too ok, why is she so chilled? They dated for so long and here she is, drinking and laughing? While others are sitting there waiting for her to break down, she has done it before. Wait ’till he is back and then we will see the real drama.

Well she is motivated, she is strong because every kick in the ass, every bruise on her heart, every seed of doubt planted in her mind has prepared her for today and tomorrow and the next months or even years ahead. Even when she is weak at the knees her strong will will pick her back up and push her to keep going.

She has taken a long way to find her passion and her future and at a point she thought she would never find it but her faith was always there, even when it was minimal it was there and we will watch her in a few years, beautiful, confident, striving, believing and most importantly still living her life and laughing no matter the difficulties faced.

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– Mayday Parade

Find your inner beauty, write your own script, trust in yourself and never lose faith.

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Got last night’s whiskey in my belly and a few thoughts on my mind

So I feel like I have been quite a brave person the last few weeks. I got my little heart broken by a guy I have been in love with for almost 5 years, I left the town that I now call home, my little sister who I love to bits and some of the best friends a person could ever dream of having, but at least I came home to some pretty awesome and special people.

I haven’t blogged in quite some time and I have so many thoughts on my mind but I think last night’s whiskey is making the part of my brain that helps me express myself a little dysfunctional haha

First topic – Heartbreak

How does one move on with their lives when their heart is totally stuck in one place? I do not have the answer to this question and to be honest no one does. People have such fat opinions, always trying to tell you what to do and how to move forward and all that crap. How do you know? Have you somehow managed to put yourself inside my body, felt my pain and read my thoughts? I don’t think so. So how can you be so sure that your way is the right way and more specifically the right way for me? This is how I see it, when I ask for your advise, ask for your opinion then give it to me. If I start becoming self destructive or destructive to other people, come tell me. Until then it seems like I am doing ok on my own terms.

You are already the most amazing version of you and you only get better as you start to grow and learn. No one is better than you so who are they to just bestow their almighty life lessons on you when they feel like it? People will tell you things expecting you to go off into the world a changed person and to live life how they say. No! People can share their thoughts, that is how people learn new things right? But only you can make the decisions that will better yourself and your life.

I, for one, have not made a big deal about my break up. I think my ex is an amazing guy who will succeed in an amazing way in life and will impact more people’s lives the same way he impacted mine. Do I wish we were still together or do I possibly hope for a “one day” with him? Of course. But I am not going to base my life around a feeling I have, no. But this is just the way I have chosen to handle it. If, for instance, someone has a break up that makes them mad and they want to vent and drink and go out and hook up and what have you then by all means that is the way to go as long as it makes you feel better.

People deal with their stuff in their own way, sometimes those ways make you want to smash them because you think it is childish or stupid or lame but at the end of the day a person is going to do what they want to. God blessed us with choice, our OWN choices not someone else’s.  The only way people learn is through experience and sometimes that experience is a mistake or it is painful but the best people are the ones who learn and don’t make the same mistakes, who look forward and push past it all. People will find strength within themselves in their own time and when that happens it is like a huge weight off your shoulders.

At the end of the day when something happens in your life it is either within your control or it isn’t, if it is within your control, you are the only one who could have changed it. If it is out of your control well then it just is the way is it, good or bad. This is all part of living and learning and growing. 

one of my favourite quotes is “Everything happens for a reason”. Cliche I know but so true. You will look back one day when your life is exactly how it should be and realise things had to happen for you to be exactly where you are.

“When life gives you lemonade make lemons, life will be all like ‘whaaaat’?” – Phil Dunphy

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New start – New bum 2 shake into the future

So my boyfriend of almost two years and I recently broke up. The emotions of that are for another time. But my friend sent us this 30 day squat challenge, unsure where she got it from so please anyone who reads it or sees the picture we have NOT claimed it as our own. But it seems like a good idea, whenever I get sad or go through a big change I usually decide to change something about myself, I find a new hobby or interest, I dye or cut my hair or a get a new tattoo or piercing, the tattoo thing sound irresponsible but the change only speeds up the time it takes for me to get the next one 😉

So 30 days to get a more defined bum that I can use to shake and dance my way into the future. I encourage all woman and even guys to get on board, a little bit of exercise everyday helps all situations.

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Get involved!

When everyone else fails, back yourself

I have never been so confused about life as I am now. I am 21 going on 22 with no degree, no clear idea of where I will be in 5 years and today I found out that I am perceived as someone without ambition. Now being ambitious is one of the qualities I have always prided myself on because I think I am ambitious. When I want something I go and get it. PROBLEM! I don’t really know what I want. Does that make me lack ambition? Or possibly is it just I lack ambition right now?

Another thing I am lacking right now is support. The important people in my life keep saying they will always support me no matter what but I can see that it’s just words, I can see in their mannerisms and eyes and the actions that follow. Their words are so hollow, meaningless, they have run out of steam supporting someone who is no where right now. Can I even blame them? I do but should I? I just know I have never given up on someone who needs me, I live in a bubble of rainbows and butterflies and spend all my optimism on people that don’t want to hear it but I am continually persistent because if they can’t believe in themselves they need someone who will.

So where do I stand right now? I am a disappointment and someone who others can’t invest their futures in? It hurts, it brings tears to my eyes, it makes my heart sting and my stomach turn. You’d think that over the past 3 years this thought and idea of this happening would be motivational, not true. A person likes me has to back myself first before things start happening, I don’t need other people’s approval or thumbs up to get somewhere. At the risk of sounding like a brat I must say I always get my way. 

I used to think that being successful was money, a family and a great career because that is what other people made it look like so what do I do? I go searching for careers that people will be impressed with, trying to do degrees that will make me look really good. It took long but all I want to do is make a difference, a big or small difference but a difference nonetheless. I want to take my sensitivity, my passion, ambition, my kindness and my “too nice” attitude and put it to good use.

Now what I will work towards is being a teacher, a beautiful family and the satisfaction that at the end of each day I am making an impact on other people’s lives.

You will shine in your own way to the rest of the world when you find the sparkle in your own eyes first. When everyone else fails, back yourself.

 

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“Aint nobody got time for that”

I read the title of my blog tonight “aint nobody got time for that” and it makes me laugh. If you don’t understand why please type that title into YouTube and find the remix. I think of all the things that people do not have time for, not in the selfish kind of way, the way in which people genuinely should not spend time on things because they do not have time for them, these things are a waste of time. Life’s clock is ticking.

For instance, I do not have time for people who do not have time for me. I do not have time to be ignored or dismissed or forgotten about and spend my time being hurt about it because I am awesome and should be treated as such. I am someone who will make an impact on people’s lives in a small or big way and even though I have days where I don’t believe in myself I know in my heart of hearts that I am worth a whole lot more than people know or like to make me see. I have no time for petty drama, for awkward moment with old friends or ex’s, for liars, cheaters and people out to hurt me. I have NO time for nasty comments, judgmental words or people that can’t laugh with me about how stupid I acted last night.

The other night I went out and had a few too many whiskies and glasses of wine and as usual took even greater offense to what some stupid guy said to me and spent my night in tears because I couldn’t believe a friend I had known for 16 odd years could think so little of me and say such horrible things about me. The next day I consulted two of my new close friends and asked if I had ben embarrassing and BOTH their replies were “you could never be embarrassing”. I can and have been, on multiple drunk and sober occasions, very embarrassing. But it was so refreshing to get a reply like that, to know that even when I am being a total asshole, my friends have accepted me as the bundle of mess and fun I am. That, my friends, is something I have plenty of time for.

I have recently been shunned from my old social circle, partially my own doing but I didn’t realise how hurtful this was going to be until I found out that a lot of my friends have pulled themselves out of that crowd. So they pulled out and I was pushed out but it all comes down to the same thing, “aint nobody got time for that”.

Once again another ramble but you are blessed with life, cursed with a time limit so don’t waste your time on things you don’t have time for and indulge on things you do. Tik Tok.

When life gives you lemons, say thanks and throw it hard at the next bastard who pisses you off 😉Image

Taking you back to a safe place, we all fall down

Today I woke up to kisses from my amazing boyfriend followed by a delicious cup of coffee. All seems great right? Wrong. I made the mistake of facebook stalking some people to just get reality slammed in my face. I have been forgotten and replaced. Everyone just wants to be accepted and love and wanted and that is one of the top missions in life for most of us except those that have found true happiness. Those people that wake up and go out into their days knowing what ever goes wrong it will be ok.

One day we will all have that but we have to sift through the bad to find the good. I put on one of my favourite bands – One Republic and I start to sift through all the bad searching for the good. I’m sure if you are as big of a music fan as I am you will understand the feeling you get listening to a great band, it’s like they singing straight to you even if the words are about candy and rainbows. It’s like you are in the front row of a concert and Ryan Tedder (lead singer of One Republic) is singing straight to you and only you, “and you say sorry like an angel heaven let me think was you, but i’m afraid it’s too late to apologise, it’s too late.” And you are back in your safe place.

I realise what Ryan Tedder is saying, Ryan Tedder now being my Jiminy cricket and telling me “you buttered your bread, now sleep in it!” (Jiminy cricket in Pinocchio)Image

I made a choice to let go of people that were very, very important to me but caused more pain in my life than happiness. It seemed like an easy decision, the right decision until today when I realised it was the right decision but a hard decision and me being forgotten about was the easy part, I made a decision that clearly hurt me more than them and now I have to live with it because like I said sometimes you have to deal with the bad first for the good to come. And Ryan Tedder comes on again with words from the song All Fall Down.

“Lost till you found, swim till you drown, know that we all fall down. Love till you hate, strum till you break, know that we all fall down

We all fall down, sometimes we fall down alone and have to pick ourselves back up and sometimes we have someone right there extending a hand. We just need to find those things to take us back to our safe place.

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A Casual Sunday Thought

So it is a casual Sunday and I have been feeling so much stress and this writing helps me out a lot. The ability to express myself is great and so much easier to write than say for 2 reasons, 1 – I don’t really like hassling people with my theories and worries whenever they pop into my head and 2 – I can change what I say before I post and also it is so much easier writing something down and not worrying about what someone is going to say back.

As many people feel it is easier to open up to strangers because they do not know your past or anything about you so there is less room to judge, also if you are reading this and hate my blogs the you never have to read it again and I don’t have to know about it. Why not write in a diary some may ask? Well it is nice to get some feelings off my shoulders and some opinions out there knowing that someone will read this, diaries are personal and those writings are still a weight on my shoulder. I want to inspire people, I want people to read something I write and get that feeling of relief and the feeling that makes you think “Hey, I am actually not all alone in the world”.

I play out scenarios in my head almost daily, both good and bad and it keeps me sane and happy and also prepared. I have read plenty of things and watched plenty of things that have lifted up my spirits and I would love to give that feeling back some day. This feeling has also contributed to a career choice in teaching that I hope to pursue really soon.

I never really enjoyed school but I give thanks to the teachers that made it bearable  the one’s who listened and helped and cared more about teaching you and helping you grow into the future of the world rather than what colour your hair was and if your shirt was tucked in or not, the one’s who gave you a second chance to be someone. I turned my nose up to teaching as a career as a kid, again because I didn’t like school so why go be stuck there again but I finally grew up a bit more.

This is definitely a total ramble but it is my casual Sunday thought.

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Trust circles

cuteness balls

Once upon a time we were young children living in a world filled with hope, love and trust. Your Mom and Dad loved you and kept you safe and your friends were the centre of your world because back then we didn’t really know what a secret was. Finally we started to grow up and the word secret became more of a frequent thing, starting from the boy you had a crush on in grade 1 and finally becoming shameful things you did last night with the boy whose name you don’t remember.

When I was a teenager I used to love being told secrets, secrets came with trust and was a sign of a good friendship. When the boy you liked so much could tell you a secret it was the start of something special. Now I am just out of my teen years and I find myself so on the edge of never being able to trust, too scared to be judged because of my secrets, unable to express my feeling because of the never – ending game of broken telephone people thrive on playing.

Although this may seem quite negative and sad which it pretty much is, there is also a positive side. This side is one which lots of people tend to miss, they tend to be so blinded by the hurt and betrayal that they miss the lesson and silver lining, in the end all the back stabbers and betrayers have taught you to be strong, to choose better and probably to live better. If your secrets are shameful then stop doing shameful things, if you are surrounded by people you don’t or can’t trust then find new people.

The Lord blessed the earth with billions of amazing people and gave us the choice and ability to find them. Sometimes things have to get really bad for you to open your eyes to the things that are really good.

Being Last On Your Mind

It is really hurtful when you are the type of person who tries to include everyone, who doesn’t leave anyone out of plans, who makes sure everyone is sorted and then being the last to hear about things. Sitting in a room full of people talking about what they were going to do and you have no idea because you were not there in the 5 minutes the conversation went down, you weren’t told because x forgot to tell you.

If you surround yourself with people you care deeply for make sure they care the same about you before putting mass amounts of time and effort into them. At the end of it you will end up feeling worthless and uncared for. I know I deserve to be treated with respect and with love and adoration all the time no matter what mood I am in. Of course some people’s response would be “well we do that for you”. Yes sure you do but that is not how friendship or relationships work. If you don’t like the whole package then don’t bother sticking around.

You need to find someone who loves you for all of you, the good and bad moods, the ugly and the beautiful parts, if you are someone who tries hard for people don’t accept anything less than people that will try hard for you. This doesn’t mean that you should constantly be working to keep someone happy, a good friendship or relationship should be easy but never stop making the effort. Effort is one of the most important thing in every relationship in life along with love and trust. When one of those things is lacking then the rest can’t function.

One will struggle being around people all the time that they don’t trust, can’t rely on or don’t particularly like. In the end, as you grow you will learn that your life is like a garden, it starts off as a jungle filled with beautiful flowers, big, strong trees and with dreadful weeds and as you grow you learn to garden, to trims the trees so they are not over bearing, to pick the best and most beautiful flowers and to finally rid your life of all the weeds so that you are only left with something beautiful, something stunning to be around, to look at and enjoy.