Clarity

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love’s insanity, why are you my clarity?

Have you ever felt so lost and so confused that you tried so hard to picture your future and just came up blank? I head this quote the other day and I can’t remember who by but it was just so brilliant.

We look for answers for the future in our past because our past is the only thing we have to go on

Now instantly people think oh, you can’t live based on the past, let the past go. Sure, I agree with that in a sense. You can’t really live in the past but you definitely can look in the past for answers, you make mistakes to learn going forward. You try new things and new experiences, meet new people, date to see what you like and don’t like going forward. You do something right now and the next minute it’s in the past so therefore your past actions are basically your paddle pushing you forward. When you are so lost picturing the future have a look into your past, look around at your present and something will give you a sense of clarity. If you can’t find it now then carry on making memories, making experiences for yourself to help you find your way. Distractions from your path are exactly that, just distractions. Keep pushing forward and you will find your way. Where people see tragedy you will find a remedy, where people see insanity you can find clarity.

A Total Purge To Total Strangers

So I haven’t written in a while, I have kind of lost touch with a lot of things but recently I have been facing trust issues. I am a person who understands everyone has a story, everyone has been hurt and has wounds and they probably deal with things a lot better than me. But what better way to deal with something than to face it, to admit your wrongs and the wrongs of other people instead of hiding it all? I’m sure people agree it’s not right to air your dirty laundry but anyone who reads this probably doesn’t know so what the hell.

My first long term boyfriend used to control me, tell me what I could and couldn’t do. I was about 14 and let this go on for almost two years. He emotionally messed with me, made me feel like he was the best I could do. He would break up with me to hook up with other girls and then when I wouldn’t get back with him he would hurt himself to guilt me. The worst he did was break up with me and hook up with my two best friends at the same time in front of all our friends. So not only did he hurt me my friends did too, they broke my trust. But being the nice person I was I took them back as my friends and him back as my boyfriend. Not long after that he broke up with me and dated another friend of mine. Great choice in people I have.

Finally after too much of this crap I left him. I started seeing another boy who was so sweet and so kind but he had a “best friend” that he had slept with and just couldn’t leave him alone. I went to visit a friend in a different city to find out that while I was away they had slept in the same bed together. Not the worst thing in the world and I guess many people wouldn’t have a problem with it but I wasn’t too chuffed. Soon after that he broke up with me and not so long after that they slept together again and again after that. You have to wonder why I got upset. Some people just don’t bother or threaten me but the people that get under my skin are usually there for a reason.

Finally dated a boy who was actually nice, not a liar or a cheater and taught me a lot about myself and how life and people should be. A good relationship that ran its course and ended on kind of good terms.

So I meet this boy in high school and it was a long, windy road of on and off. He would break up with me constantly for stupid things and I would go running back but the would go to movies with other girls. He gave another girl a Valentines Day present and not is own girl friend, this same girl he would talk to when I wasn’t around and when I appeared they would quickly separate but I was the crazy one to think this was a problem. He broke up with me and hooked up with two of my friends and lied about it, told one of these girls when we got back together how beautiful and special she was, how much he had wanted her and all this lovely stuff but I was the loyal girl friend that didn’t hear those things. He would talk to girls constantly on social media while we were together on dates or just hanging out and in the times we broke up he would run to them for attention. He has turned out to be a nice guy, he just lost himself in our toxic relationship.

Not only have a made bad relationship choices but friends, those two skanky girls that hooked up with my boyfriend made this crazy book with all these satanic signs and what have you have that I didn’t even know about and blamed it on me, I wasn’t allowed into my one friends house for three years until finally his mom allowed me to tell my side and somehow believed me. At school I was the constant target for rumours, people’s scapegoat and I am proud to say I came out the end a better person. I stood my ground and proved every rumour wrong, every nasty word wrong but just lost my ability to trust people along the way.

Now I have a new relationship and it’s actually really good but there are too many people from his past in his life. If I were stronger or had a bit more of a normal past I probably would be able to look past it but I just can’t. It is a horrible feeling but I just see trouble when anything remotely like my past relationships happen. I finally made a change in my choice of people but my trust is just stuck in the past, stuck in a hostile, constantly on guard position.

Someone might read this and think well goodness it’s entirely my fault, I chose those people and I chose to stay and let them back in my life and they would be right. I basically trust no one and the people I should trust it’s like 95% trust. I wait for something to happen. I know all the advice one could give but trust is probably the single most difficult thing to mend. You are expected to just accept things to be okay, I try be chilled because I don’t want to be controlling and in turn I control everything in my own life, not people but everything else that I can because I am the only one I trust. You can’t let people walk over you but you can’t be controlling, There has to be a line and if you can’t meet there then those people are not worth any part of your trust.

In my mind if I can find someone who can make me 100% trust them they are a keeper, but until then I am stuck in this trustless state. The only positive thing I can say is that I am stronger, I am vigilant, I have learnt to trust myself, to make my decisions for me and I know that bad things that happen can have a good ending if you make that ending for yourself.

I’ll take you at your word

In time you’ll find that we can sober up,
clean up any dirt so we can open up

~ Sleeping with Sirens
These wounds have been open for forever now.

So she finally woke up, she sobered up from a long journey of life and love and realised it was over, it was the end. No more walking on water and living with her head in the clouds. He was gone and she was alone. Or so she thought. As she dusted off her black dress and cleaned herself up she looked around to find clarity, to find happiness, to find smiles. Love was not a battle anymore, happiness was not fickle and her journey was not entirely over, a chapter was just ending, people we’re  living and things were changing in order to make room for new people and different experiences.

Come on, be strong.
Your mind has gotten the best of you.
You’ve done enough and you are enough.
Let’s fall asleep tonight,
I’ll hold you close and show you you’re not broken.

You said it, you said it
I’ll take you at your word.
These promises that you can’t keep,
it’s getting harder to hold on.
You said it, you said it
don’t ever let me fall.
Don’t give up because you’re

losing

You haven’t lost

BFFL ♡♥

For me the greatest feeling is just being free, free spirited, free of worry and care, free or rules and restrictions but as you all know one can never live like that, not 100% unless you lived alone. There is always someone or something or some stupid made up rule or restriction that will prevent you from enjoying something.
You think you leave highschool and all the childish and judgemental eyes behind, uuuh wrong. The reason judgements are never left behind is because insecurities are never left behind. Everyone gets hurt, we try let go but I don’t think we ever really do and then we hold into it, hold onto the stigmas and insecurities and they become the base line to new friendships and relationships. But here is the problem, how will you ever be happier than before when you are trying to control your new relationships based on old mistakes? How can you have fun with someone new when you are holding onto something old? Basically you will find people who act the same as you and you will share the same feelings about old insecurities and you will be stuck in high school, or wherever this bad memory came from, until you learn to let go.

I like to be able to wake up and chill or go on an adventure. I want to be able to say yes to things I want to do without hesitation or worrying about who will react how. Living based on other people’s worries will just entrap you behind a brick wall of other people’s B.S.

I want to he surrounded by people who understand and when they don’t they talk to you instead of behind your back. I never want to look at a friend and see their judgement not only on their faces but on the faces of other people. I want friends that will make me smile when I am raging, who will pour me a glass of wine or play me a really awesome song, who will let me light their smoke and not complain when I keep it a little while too long, who will conspire evil plans with me and how we will get away with it and who will let me hate on people just because I feel like it no matter how unreasonable it is because they know deep down inside I know how silly I am being and I’m someone they know and love.  
 
It’s always refreshing meeting someone who understands, who tells you that you are beautiful and awesome and special and that they appreciate you because so many people are selfish, they will see bad things in you that don’t exist because they are feeling bad about a situation. They know that without the dumb things you do you wouldn’t be the person they know and love.  

In the end though you will probably never be surrounded only or consistently by people like this but when you find people like this hold on tight.

You’re the reason why I can write a different story

It’s always a bit of a struggle when you fall in love with someone and that someone breaks your heart. You start making unrealistic promises about never dating again or waiting four years or making rules about what type of person you will or won’t date, but then one day you find yourself with someone else and this is like four months after your break up. You feel like you can love again and it’s so much fun, you are happy and they are happy and it’s all rainbows and butterflies. Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen, this is commonly known as a rebound. Might last two weeks or two months but it won’t really last forever because the reality is you still love your ex as much as they suck or hurt you, but that is how you know it was love.

Don’t lose hope though, there is in fact someone out there who is going to surprise you and they will come along at the most random or perfect time. Maybe it will be a stranger you meet at a bar or the cute guy who asked you for your number in the coffee shop that you have been chatting with for a while or it could be someone who has been in your life for a really long time that you suddenly can’t go a day without talking to.

This person could be the real deal. You have had your grieving stage, you have kicked and screamed and cried and had your rebound guys or girls. This person just gives you that feeling of relief, of pure happiness. Your ex isn’t on your mind, any person they might be hooking up with or starting a relationship with doesn’t give you that panging chest in your chest anymore because this beautiful new person has given you blank pages to write a different story. Their smile makes you smile, you can’t be mad at them for long because that is a waste of time and they just make you happy. This person understands you. You get a bit nervous because you don’t want to scare them away, you don’t want them to dislike the things your ex disliked but they surprise you because they like all of you, even the annoying parts and that is why they are here now and your ex is your ex. You can talk everyday and not be bored, you can sit together in silence and enjoy each others company. You laugh together and you are silly together and one day you cry and no one looks good crying but this person holds you close and makes you feel beautiful, they hold all the weight of the world with you and you know you won’t be alone, even if this person is half way across the world , as long as you have each other.

This sounds like a lot of moosh that came straight from the script of some romcom but it is real if it feels real. The world is about money and success and yes that is important but at the end of the day you want someone to share that with, someone who loves you, who needs and wants you just as much as you need and want them. Write your own love story

 

The world is full of idiots

Why girls are dumb and boys are even dumber, well the ones in this story

Once upon a time lived this pretty frikken awesome girl who fell in love with a guy she never really thought she would ever fall for. They have this whirl wind adventure of a relationship and then break up. boo hoo it’s not all that bad because they kind of chilled and it was really for the best because instead of trying to fix things the idiot boy ran away and she deserves more but that’s not even why he is an idiot.

FIRSTLY why she is an idiot. When your man talks to other girls and makes plans to see them when they just disappear for the day you should take this as a red flag especially if you have never heard about her. If your guy has a close enough chick friend to go and visit on his little adventure half an hour from where you stay then you should know about her or at least have heard her name being mentioned. The fact that her name is non existent in your memory means he wants her to be non existent in your memory so that you can’t ask questions. And she catches him a few times, listens to his lies and lets it keep happening and no matter how much her heart hurts, no matter how many tears fall she kisses him good night and good morning for months after that. The idiot forces herself to believe the lies and believes her loves her enough to keep her as his only one. Emotional cheating might not technically be cheating but it hurts almost as much. Any girl that reads this and thinks I am being dramatic or paranoid or whatever you are either single or making excuses, honesty is so important and you don’t even realise what a lack of honesty can do to you until it’s months down the line and you realise what an idiot you have been. And this is just one scenario.

NOW why he is an idiot. This dummy has had her heart in his hands for years, had a girl who loved him more than anything and literally did everything he asked and what does he do? He keeps all these chicks on the side, stupid girls as well because they knew he was taken but oh no they fall for his stupid charming ways and still tells his girl he loves her everyday. He chats to them behind her back, calls them beautiful, makes plans, keeps them dangling so when the time comes that he makes the mistake of letting her go instead of working harder he has options. Great you moron, a few one night stands. 

Why she is still an idiot…

You know that tough girl that pretends she is alright and moving on and bla bla but in fact her heart just hurts a little less and less because each dumb thing he does breaks a little piece of her heart so there is less to hurt. That’s this girl. And what does she do? This idiot looks after him when he is drunk, when he is moody, when he is tired or injured and her reward is to hear about the girls he hooked up the night before. That idiot puts herself through it all because deep down she doesn’t want him out her life. He used to be her best friend, the guy who made her feel beautiful when she lost confidence, who told her she was smart when the world saw her as stupid, who pushed her to be successful when she couldn’t see a bright future and now she looks at him and all those memories seem like a dream, like they happened a million years ago. Unfortunately he is sifting through the wad of girls that waited so patiently for him and all her insecurities become a sad reality. She wasn’t the only one, maybe just number one for a time.

 

The world is full of idiots

 

In the night, I hear them talk the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, she lost her soul
To a man so heartless 
How could you be so heartless 

 

Walk tall in the footsteps of our shadow

Have you ever looked at your shadow and found the shapes odd? Just because of a different contour on the wall or a gap in the fence? I’m sure everyone has made little animals or faces with their hands with their shadows against the wall or floor when they were kids and most definitely when they got a bit older.

I have thought a lot about how different a shadow can be in comparison to the object it belongs to, how it can be obscured and manipulated depending on other objects near it or blocking it and how the actual object, or more specifically person, that the shadow it belongs to can manipulate to the way they want it so look. This is a huge metaphor for life. A person will face obstacles that block them, that change their views and perceptions about life, about a situation, about a person. But just like those obstacles can change one’s perception that person also has the power to change it like how they can change how a shadow looks on a wall just by making different shapes with their hands. A person has the ability to manipulate and change their lives and situations to see a different side or perspective that can make a difference but they will always have a part of themselves there. Where there is a light, there is a shadow. You can make your shadow bigger to tower over obstacles, you can shrink your shadow or make it disappear all together. It just all depends on how much light you want in your life, how you want to see things, which ways you are willing to bend and change in order to see the different shapes and animals on the wall. Walk tall in the footsteps of your shadow.

This is my life

This is my life, I’ve got the whole world in front of me. This is our time, don’t slip away, I’ve made up my mind, this is my life.

~ Sleeping With Sirens “Let’s Cheers To This”

So a little while ago I tried to take this approach to keep my feelings to myself about most things but, alas, I am such a big mouth and not expressing how I feel makes things worse. So I go extreme and voice my opinion on a social network because you know that’s how we do things these days and can you believe it I get 25 comments, majority of them hacked off people by my silly status. Funny how you have all these “friends” but they don’t even know you well enough to know that causing a little bit of trouble is what I like to do, I very knowingly put that status up knowing it would get a rouse and the silly flies flew straight into my web of deviousness. Some comments were more extreme than others and then the social media warfare just got out of control and became personal entertainment for myself and a few others. My question is; how come all those people feel justified to attack me for what I said, clearly feeling they have a right to their opinion, but in doing so they are denying me my right to my opinion? Not that I actually care that they don’t like what I said I am just curious as to how the minds of these people work. Personally I think if I got upset over every status that someone wrote about disliking something I do, I would be one unhappy person. I can be overwhelming at times, very loud and silly and people don’t like that but tough for them, they are missing out.

This year has been a year of lessons and I am just grateful and next year will be the same and every year after that. You really can never know everything, you can never be 100% the person you can be at any point, everyday is an opportunity to learn and grow and change. Imagine being the same every day of your life? Imagine getting to a point where you had nothing more to learn or experience or no more room to grow? Just hearing a story about someone you love, learning or their achievements or heartache is a moment you change or grow because you are opening your mind and heart and emotions to that person and their lives and their change effects you.

Watching how people handle experiences publicly and personally is an indication of their handle on life, you can also see their sense of security within themselves. Baring in mind everyone has times where they handle situations badly and have those moments where you just think “whaaaaaat are they doing?” BUT there is a difference between those moments and a clear pattern of bad behaviour. If something I say can make you act like a total psycho then perhaps you need to look into why what I say upsets you so much, unless I am being a total harsh bitch well then that’s all on me.

Remember when they said that what we want could never be done, well look who’s laughing now. We’ll do what we want to.

~~ Sleeping With Sirens “Do It Now, Remember It Later”

You have to live your life everyday how you want to, how you are feeling, where ever your dreams are taking you in that moment. People discover their destinies at different times at different paces but you will never find it sitting back and doing it the way other people expect you to. Do what you want to. This is my life, this is our time!

PS ~ HAPPY SPRING DAY Southern Hemisphere

Sunshine and rain clouds

Sitting in the sun, soaking it up as this winter starts to fade, listening to an amazing band and just becoming indulged in my imagination. When my mind starts to race and the music becomes a live band singing to me and the many characters in my mind I find myself in a safe place. But is it really safe?

ACTION

She came back to her second home, saw her amazing friends and then he walked past. So beautiful, so tall, those kissable lips and he walked over and said goodbye, not hello but goodbye. On the outside she smiled and scoffed at his casual goodbye but inside her heart went tense, did a double take, couldn’t decide whether to race or slow down. Clever girl being so calm and unreadable. Guess that is why she people can’t tell when she is drunk, great poker face. She finally learned how to keep the tears for when it was dark and only strangers had the possibility of seeing her.

He finally started seeing her again, the way things used to be before love got in the way, when laughing and sharing was fun and other people didn’t make a big difference. But then, silly girl, she started to like him again. Why? Who the hell knows but again who ever knows the real reasons to the way their emotions work? Silly girl. She takes care of him when he needs it and the gratitude comes in the form of being left alone, again. Why? Who knows? And do we think this silly girl will learn? No she won’t, because of the harsh reality that a part of her heart will always belong to him and her hands are left empty.

Everyone at one point is a silly girl (or guy) and we let our silly emotions get involved instead of letting our brain think up a way to avoid these situations. Your special friends will tell you how to do this, they will try act as your brain since you are lacking the ability but wow isn’t it just thrilling to take the risk? To take a chance? To push the boundaries a bit? We like to dangle over hot lava just to feel the heat even if it is just a brief moment. Let’s be honest, I love a little bit of fun, the danger, the chance of kicking up a bit of dust, creating a little storm. Besides how do you find the gold at the end of the rainbow without embracing a little thunder, lightning and rain first? Sometimes I wanna be the silly girl and let the clever girl deal with the mess after.

Embrace yourself, indulge in your thoughts, your inner self, your Angels and Demons and fight it out to find the best part of yourself. Love life

The flip of a switch

HEART BREAK once again a topic that crosses my mind.

She has been through it, he came home finally, she got dressed up and looked her best hoping for one ounce of remorse for breaking her heart and nothing. His heart soaked in arrogance, his skin soaked with alcohol, his mind corrupt by selfishness. 

The guy she fell in love with is replaced by a complete stranger, the boy who once felt pain at the sight of her tears has vanished and now he probably feels nothing. She flipped the switch that night and found her friends waiting with open arms and a few shots of tequila.

He also flipped the switch and she fears for what is waiting for him. Empty hook ups, empty promises and and empty future?

It took one week to get back up on her feet and to prove she isn’t weak and doesn’t need someone who can’t even listen to her when she is at her lowest, when her world is breaking. She found her own two feet.

There are two people in the world, those who will inspire you and those who will break you, in the end you will thank both

 

At the end of every difficult obstacle you have the choice of flipping the switch, to try shut out the hurt, pain, disappointment or whatever emotions you are feeling and turn them into a positive, deal with it better than everyone is expecting you to. You were thrown off the edge and you landed on your own two feet by yourself. You don’t need anymore in the world than faith in yourself and the motivation to live your own life the way you love to.

Live the life you love

Love the life you live

– Lloyd Dickerson